Help! My baby cries when I leave her.

This is a familiar cry from many parents - mostly mom's because they usually spend most of the first year with a new baby. As a mom of three little ones, I know how hard it can be for both mom and baby to be away from each other.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

Know your child's temperament. If she is usually more comfortable being close to mom, these are things you can do:

• Mom - try to relax and be as happy and positive as you can around your baby. Your baby takes cues from you and can sense if you are upset or worried.
  
  
• Let dad take care of baby's needs whenever possible to give dad and baby confidence. Mom can be around as "support and encouragement".
  
  
• Dad - relax and have confidence in yourself. Be soothing and talk to your baby. Give a play-by-play, "Let's get you dressed, let's pick the red pants today, oh? You like the pink pants?..." Babies love it when you talk to them!
  
  
• If she cries and reaches out for mom, try to give dad a few minutes to soothe her and look after her needs. Both of you can say something like "Daddy's got you - you're okay sweetie, mommy's just going to get your blanket while daddy gets you dressed"
  
  
• The best thing for your baby is to have both mom and dad available to attend to all her needs.
  
  
• Mom and dad may do things differently, but as long as you both have her safety, security and well-being at heart, your baby will benefit from having two parents who love and cherish her.
  
  
• Mom - take time away in "baby steps". Leave the room for 5 minutes and let dad take care of her needs. Take 10 minutes to walk a few blocks. When you return, be happy and up beat. "Looks like you and daddy have been having fun."
  
  
• If mom and dad disagree how to handle a situation with the baby, discuss it without her present. even babies can sense what is going on. Be supportive and positive about each other when your baby is present.
  
  
• Dad - get to know your baby and spend time with her. Play, learn, laugh, cuddle, kiss and coo. If mom is returning to work outside the home:
  
  
• Find a loving caregiver who will work with you to ease the transition for you and your baby. It is so important to have a nurturing caregiver that understands this phase of development and who will work with you and your baby. It can take a few weeks, but once you have it worked out, usually your baby will be okay if you and your caregiver work together.
  
  
• Start with short stays. For a few days, leave your baby for an hour, then return. Next few days, 2 - 3 hours etc. and work up to the length of time you'll be away.
  
  
• Don't sneak out on your baby. Take a few minutes when dropping her off to get her settled and put on a happy face (even if you are crying inside ?) when you leave. "Have a good day, Sweetie, I love you!" If you have a great caregiver, they will be sure to distract your child and redirect them to something fun when you leave. Check with your caregiver later, many times your baby will quit crying as soon as she can't see you.

Overall, follow your head and your heart when leaving your child with someone else. It is a big step for parents and child, but making it successful and positive is the best outcome for all of you.

When my oldest daughter (then 2 ½ yrs.) started at a new daycare 3 years ago, the staff and my daughter knew they could call mom or dad anytime she asked. For two weeks almost daily, I'd receive a sad call "Hi mommy... " and she'd cry. I'd reply "Hi sweetie! (gulp) I love you, I'll see you soon!" and by then she'd have already hung up. After two weeks, at the end of the day, she would say "I was sad sometimes because I missed you, but I had fun too! I can still call you if I want, right?" And I'd always reply "you can call me anytime you need me, I love hearing from you".

When children know they can spread their wings and have fun, but mom and dad will always be there if they need them (and they always do!), they gain a sense of security and self-confidence that helps them conquer each new situation that comes along.



Sam Rafoss, RSW - September 2005